Twilight ...

As darkness was creeping in, my mind wandered back ... far back when my mother tucked me in bed and left the room, the window open and twilight fading into night. I felt so frightened staring at the darkening sky that was taking away from me the joys of the day, the games with friends and the warm touch of my mother. That fear mixed with sadness stayed with me for very long time, the end of something, the passing of time, the fading of a memory ... In my meditations, during my spiritual practice, I begun seeing the root and the meaning of that fear and realize that I had to face the primeval terror of death which was uncannily sabotaging my innate joy of living.I begun seeing that death happens in the now, at every moment that arises and falls out of my consciousness. It took me few years to clean my act and accept that 'what is just is' leading, through its death, to the birth of next one. For years I experienced the terror of the impermanence of my life, the frailty of memory, the ticking of the clocks ..

My consuming quest ...

My restless youth was governed by the consuming urge to find my place in life, to find the inner connection with myself. I couldn't remain still for long because sooner or later the burning reality within me would surface and propel me forward into a fresh search. My strong middle class conditioning to conform forced me into places and situations that would jar my deeper feelings and lead them to rebellion. "Who am I?' is still digging into the deepest part of me... will I know before my last breath?

My first job in London ...

It was 1969 when I became officially a professional photographer. I had finally achieved what I wanted to be for some troubled years. London was buzzing and so was the blood in my veins. I was still living in a bedsit in Kensington Old Brompton Road. A house I loved deeply and where I had so much fun photographing the various characters sharing it with me. The tiny room had my enlarger on a table, a gas ring on the floor for my food and the chemicals to process and print the films stored under my bed. Whenever I had visitors I would burn incense

to cover the smell of chemicals. Money was scarce but life intense...

January ...

January is always such a difficult month, demanding and confusing. I feel that I should be doing more and faster to embrace the promising new year. Lots of expectations and few results, unfortunately. A ghostly shadow is following me around everywhere I go, a kind of miserable alter ego, who is awaiting for the chance to trip me and ruin my act. I have not been able to get to my computer and write to my blog, in fact, because I feel pretty empty with little to say and even replying to emails is a gigantic task of concentration. Well ...the end of the month is in sight.

Love ....

As the old saying goes, my life begun at 40. It really did. Can one imagine a grown professional man, a photographer with a large business of his own, living at the creative edge of life, a wild youth of pain and joy ... realising, almost suddenly, that his past existence had been to him virtually meaningless and that the only reality left from it was a giant hole in the heart? At 40 the DarkHole begun to heal ....Yoga appeared in the horizon and a fresh chapter manifested. The expansion of my consciousness took me to devour spiritual books,

astrology, psychology and begun asking deep questions. I became aware that I had never been able to Love. I mean that openness inside, that warmth generated by accepting, that willingness to understand. I grew up in post-WW3 Rome where the daily reality were fear, sorrow, martyrdom, frustration, resentment, anger, and life was lived at a survival level. My family had been gradually drained of feelings through the experience of war.

What to expect? Where would I learn about love? ....

2010 ...

With the experience of the past, live in the present. Travel light without the weight of worries and fears rooted in the past. Face situations and decisions in the light of your reason.

I wish all of you, friends and students, an aware 2010.

2009 is ending for me in a psychedelic stream of memories and dreams ....

Doubts and Devotion ...

As I grew increasingly more aware of who I really was, I found that help in keeping me on the path I had

embraced was constantly appearing from nowhere. People crossing my life, practical advices, synchronicity, serendipity, inspirations and dreams all conspired to keep me going often despite myself. Swamiji used to tell us that a true path of self discovery, where devotion to the Ultimate Truth is unwavering, protects us from any negative obstacles and grows in us a sense of invincibility during our life experiences. Doubts dissolve faced with the devotional loyalty to our inner reality, our deepest feelings. Many times I found myself in tears when some emotional mountain had to be climbed, tears of resistance, tears of anger and tears of fear. Once in the Canadian ashram of Val Morin I walked to a place where Swamiji used to land a small plane, called the 'airstrip', a lonely spot above the camp. I was taking part to the Teacher's Course and experiencing a very strong resistance to the teachings and massive doubts whether I would be able to finish the course. Soon, I found myself sitting in lotus by the little forest of trees at the top of the airstrip. The landscape was awesome: massive sky, vast land. I felt overwhelmed and tears begun pouring out of me like a torrent. 'Swamiji help me' I was repeating like a mantra " I am 40 year old and I have wasted my life. I cannot go back to my old ways, I feel deeply hurt by them, and I do not know where I am going, no idea what is ahead of me". An hour or two went by and when I got up to return I felt empty, emotionally drained, very weak on my legs.Within me, by contrast, a strength I never experienced before had appeared: I felt an immense love and a deep, deep gratitude. I could never find out for what: it just was. Any doubt had drastically vanished and I never looked back since that event.