Doubts and Devotion ...

As I grew increasingly more aware of who I really was, I found that help in keeping me on the path I had

embraced was constantly appearing from nowhere. People crossing my life, practical advices, synchronicity, serendipity, inspirations and dreams all conspired to keep me going often despite myself. Swamiji used to tell us that a true path of self discovery, where devotion to the Ultimate Truth is unwavering, protects us from any negative obstacles and grows in us a sense of invincibility during our life experiences. Doubts dissolve faced with the devotional loyalty to our inner reality, our deepest feelings. Many times I found myself in tears when some emotional mountain had to be climbed, tears of resistance, tears of anger and tears of fear. Once in the Canadian ashram of Val Morin I walked to a place where Swamiji used to land a small plane, called the 'airstrip', a lonely spot above the camp. I was taking part to the Teacher's Course and experiencing a very strong resistance to the teachings and massive doubts whether I would be able to finish the course. Soon, I found myself sitting in lotus by the little forest of trees at the top of the airstrip. The landscape was awesome: massive sky, vast land. I felt overwhelmed and tears begun pouring out of me like a torrent. 'Swamiji help me' I was repeating like a mantra " I am 40 year old and I have wasted my life. I cannot go back to my old ways, I feel deeply hurt by them, and I do not know where I am going, no idea what is ahead of me". An hour or two went by and when I got up to return I felt empty, emotionally drained, very weak on my legs.Within me, by contrast, a strength I never experienced before had appeared: I felt an immense love and a deep, deep gratitude. I could never find out for what: it just was. Any doubt had drastically vanished and I never looked back since that event.